Kissing Frogs

Kissing Frogs is the collective chronicle of every man, woman and child who have kissed their fair share of Frogs in search of their Prince or Princesses. From the awkward internet dating tales, to the blind date your sister set you up with, and the ones we don't even speak of because they are too painful, yet hilarious to recall. Here is the place to share the tale...pucker up, because the road to love is littered with Toads!

Sunday, May 07, 2006

The Commuter and the Frog


Shady Single Chicago Sister
Marketing Professional
30ish
Gemini

I had a major crush on this guy I would see on the train almost every
morning. He was totally not my type light skin, medium height, curly sandy brown hair, with the fullest sweetest lips that I'd ever seen. I had to kiss him and see if he was a Prince or a Frog hiding behind a beautiful smile! I reverted back to my High School ways by trying to get his attention without seeing like a desperate whore.

So we would smile and waveor say hello every morning. This went on for about a month or two until I realized that being coy was not getting me anywhere. I couldn't believethat he had not sat next to me on the train or tried to strike up a
conversation or asked me for my number yet. So one Friday I decided to takethings up a notch. I wanted him to think about me in a sexual/date me wayso I decided that on Monday, I would wear a black garter belt under my pinstriped suit and "accidentally" flash him a peak.

Monday morning came and I was very excited, I was so excited that I forgot to look at the
weather before I got dressed. After every strand of hair was in place, make-up flawless, suite wrinkle free, and sling backs shined, I was packed and ready to make the 7:45 AM train. Then I heard it Thunder and rain pounding on my windows. In order to make the train I knew he would be on, I had to leave the house right then so I grabbed an umbrella, my walking
shoes, and overcoat and made a mad dash to the train station.

The train station is 5 1/2 blocks away from my house. 5 1/2 blocks in cold Chicago wind and rain do not do a lot for a womans looks. Luckily for me my hair was braided so I didn't look like a wet dog but I had definitely lost my crisp fresh look. Not to mention that he wasn't even on the platform when the train pulled up.

As I stepped out to get on the train the rain came down even harder, my umbrella flew back and I was completely dowsed with more wind and rain. Now I definitely looked like a wet rat so I was happy he wasn't on the platform and the mission was aborted. And then I turned around and who was behind me, my train boyfriend who apparently was running late as well.

I went to the upper level, patted my face dry, and tried to look cool reading my wet Tribune. Train boyfriend was sitting directly across from me and I waved hello, and he waved back. I began to get comfortable so I crossed my legs, and started reading my horoscope. That's when I saw something out of the corner of my eye...Train boy was waving at me so I looked up and he motioned down at my legs. Horror of horrors I was flashing the entire train my black garters and hose. I thanked him for the heads upand apologized but he said " Don't apologize, that's a great thing to see in the morning!". That was the first time that wet garters broke the ice. We started sitting together and talking after that.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Frog a Trois


Anonymous
30 Something
California

In an effort to entertain myself and add some spice into my committed relationship of three of the longest years of my life, I told my boyfriend that I was interested in bedding a friend of mine. "Candi" was her name, she was young, relatively cute and willing to explore the wild side with us, or at least with me, but since he was part of the deal it seemed like a party in a the bag.

He being shy and awkward had never really gotten to know "Candi" so I thought we should all spend some time together, dinner drinks (lots of drinks...ooops he doesn't drink), a trip to the local strip club, then to the adult book store where were could pick up a little take home video to get the party started.

Dinner was awkward, the was a silence on his end that kept making me think that there would be some problems later on down the road. He doesn't drink, so he never really loosened up. I kept asking if he was okay, and he promised that he was.

Per his suggestion we skipped the strip club and headed straight for the Adult Book Store. I thought this was a good sign. "Candi" was in hog heaven, she was checking out movie covers and knowing folks names and what not. We even went and sat in one of those peep show booths and had someone do a show for us. I just knew that things were about to get fired up!

We all get back to my place. I dimmed the lights, brought out the bong, passed out more cocktails and told everyone to get comfortable. We all ended up in bed, with "Candi" on one side of my man, and me on other. The movie was in and I was waiting for the magic to happen.

Nothing

We might as well have been watching the damn Muppets, the dude wasn't giving me any rhythm! I was trying to rub my butt against him, at least get a little cuddle action going, and gently remind him that there was a really hot NEW girl on the other side of him.

Nothing

Then all of a sudden I thought the movie volume was going whacky, it seemed to get really really loud!

No, he must be working some magic on baby girl

Well that's impossible because both of his hands are around me....what the hell is going on?

"Candi" decided to get the party started with out us and she was going town, hand in her pants, moaning and groaning, eyes closed and damn near screaming. I was in awe. I thought for sure this was a cry for help and thought for certain that he would pitch in and help the girl out...nothing. He was frozen.

Both of us, watching her go to town, so close we could have touched her...literally. But no one made a move.

Eventually she climaxed and we all sighed a collective sigh of relief. She laughingly buttoned up her pants and said...

"Damn I thought ya'll would have been more fun that that!"


And she was gone.....damn frog chose the wrong time to act like a Prince!

Monday, May 01, 2006

Discount Shopping in the Bargin Basement




bag lady you 'gone miss your bus, cuz you got too much stuff
Bag Lady~Erykah Badu


Flaws vs Good Deals


My sister and I were chatting on the line last night. She's probably the most liberal of all my sisters also the oldest and the only mother of the bunch. i attest her liberal attitude to being from San Francisco. She's a city girl through and through. A fashion maven, raised in the streets of Union Square the West Coast Fashion Capital.


She started working in retail at a young age, therefore affording her styles beyond her years at an early age. When the average broad was still working at the mall, she was holding it down at Sak's Fifth Avenue with a credit line to boot. She's fly from waaaay back. She's knows a good deal when she sees one too, which is probably how and why she, like myself has more shoes and clothing than the law allows (well actually she's beating me on both accounts, but she had a head start)

Back in the day, when you could still catch the Cable Car for a nickel and get a steak dinner from Tad's for $10, there was an old school five and dime called Woolworth's. Woolworth's was a two or three level discount heaven, filled with everything from slippers, to underware, to socks to Jean Nate.You could always catch an escalator down to the basement floor where the real deals were too.

Down in the basement there were bins of cheap candy, off brand watches, tee shirts for tourists to remember their trip to the lovely city by the bay! This was a place that twenty dollars could go a long way, this was a bargain basement.


The basement of Woolworth's was a stark contrast to the surrounding area of Union Square, where ladies who lunched had high tea in the Rotunda and lunch at the St. Francis. This was a place where fashion shows hailed the latest goods from around the world from those who could afford to be socialites in a banking town, and on sales days the rest of the world lined up outside the two story glass panes for a good deal!






A good deal in these parts means Salvatore Ferragamo shoes regularly $800 for $300. A good deal around here is a full length mink for 10% off, which is basically just saving taxes...a good deal in Union Square is worth waking up early for, as I did all the years I worked in retail in those parts. A good deal in Union Square means getting something of value for a good price and walking away satisfied.

Discount shopping in the bargain basement only gets you flaws!

I know women who have gone discount shopping in the bargain basement for men, taking that escalator down stairs in the five and dime relationship store, rummaging thru bins hoping to find a deal.

Deals that look like;

1) His wife/girlfriend/baby mamma doesn't understand him, that's why he's at my house all the time!
2) He's looking for a job, but it's rough out there.
3) He would never cheat on me like he does her, because I understand him.
4) He's too stupid, old, broke, fat, depressed, or crazy to leave me because I'm the best thing that's happened to him.


Those deals are totally different than;

1) I met a wonderful guy at the Post Office, he's employed, sane, single, and interested in me!
2) He's really amazing but a little, shorter, taller, fatter, thinner, quieter, more crunk than what I usually date.
3) He has a great relationship with his ex wife, baby mama, old girlfriend, and they are doing a great job raising their child.
4) He wants me to meet his family.

I've been guilty of it myself, a sucker for a good deal, fooling myself into believing that he wasn't flawed he was just a good deal! Unfortunately as in the case of low quality goods, they never last. It's the difference between knock off's and the real thing, Payless Shoe Source and Nordstrom Rack. No matter how cute the shoe, the man, the fantasy, when your feet hurt, heart ache and you know good damn well no matter how little you paid it was too much...you start to wish you would have just waited and gotten the real deal!

Because even Louis Vuitton is just baggage in the end!


this article has also been posted on ::twentyeight30::

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Frog Down Memory Lane


Blondie, 25
Los Angeles, CA


Frog Down Memory Lane

I was down by the beach partying with a girlfriend that I don’t to see too often, so I didn’t mind that we were dancing and drinking at a meat-market type bar. We were chatting and having a good time when I get a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and see an acquaintance from high school. He remembers my name and every role I every played on his high school stage. I was drama geek extraordinaire and he did the behind the scenes work, although he was a couple years ahead of me. We were never that close in high school, but I know that I had changed a lot since high school and I was hoping he had as well. He was nice enough and asked for my number, so I gave him my card with my work number, never assuming that he would call. I was wrong?


Two days later, my cell phone rang and it was him on the other line. I had no idea how he got that number and he confessed that he lost my card. When we ran into each other, I had mentioned that my boss was someone that he went to high school with, as well, and it turns out that he went on a mad goose chase to find my bosses number. He called my boss and explained the situation to him and asked him for my number. My boss was always giving me a hard time about not giving guys a chance, so he laughed at this guy and passed over my digits.
This was a couple of days before Valentine’s Day and he professed that it would be his utter honor to take me out on a wonderful romantic dinner. I thought that he was a bit of a freak, but because he tried so hard to get my number, I settled for a Sunday afternoon date. He offered to pick me up and wouldn’t tell me where we were going.


On that Sunday, he was twenty minutes late coming to pick me. Then when he finally gets there, he says that he needs to get gas and go to the ATM. He is already getting on my nerves, but I oblige. We finally arrive at the LACMA, which gave him some points for original date idea. As we go to buy our tickets, I insist on paying for my own. We have to wait a while for our time to go in, so we walk over to the La Brea Tar Pits. He offers to get some drinks for our wait. We sit on a bench and start chatting. We start talking about LA, a city where we both grew up. He begins to make references about things I haven’t done in the city. Then how we should plan to spend more time together and explore the city. He asks me why I don’t act anymore and I tell him that I grew up and wanted a more stable job. He says that he would love to see me on stage again and then he takes my chin and tries to kiss me.
Now, had this been a romantic moment, this would’ve been an appropriate time for a kiss. Most people can see when a moment is a romantic moment. He was not one of those people.

It’s not like the La Brea Tar Pits with a Sobe in my hands is going to send my heart a twitter. I turn my head and he catches my cheek. I tell him that it’s too soon...

We go inside and start looking at the paintings. They are showing an impressionist exhibit, which is my favorite. He explains that he’s never been to Europe and asks me to tell him what I was feeling about every single painting. It was nice that he seemed so into the exhibit, but he wouldn’t leave me alone. I hurry through everything, because he is following me around like a dog and even waited outside the restroom as I used it. I immediately regretted having him drive, as I wanted to leave right then!

As we step outside, he mentions that Pink’s is close and he couldn’t believe that I had never been there before. I start to say that I’m getting a little tired, but he insists that a great American hot dog will hit the spot. As I didn’t really have a choice in the matter, we got into his car and drove to Pink’s. We get in line and he continues to tell me about things in LA that we need to experience. As we get closer to ordering, he asks what I’m going to have, and I assumed he was just making conversation. No¦ He was actually trying to figure out what I was ordering to make sure he had enough money. Now keep in mind that he already went to the ATM, I paid for my own museum ticket, and we are at a HOT DOG STAND. As we get closer, I figure out what’s going on and tell him that it’s my treat. Yes, Date, I will take care of the chili dog and fries on the lamest date I’ve ever been on.

We order and get our food and I decide that I’m just going to have a little fun with him. I eat my chili fantasy meal with gusto. I had chili on my chin and talk with my mouth full and he is just eating it up. He loves that I’m just myself and don’t care about what people think of me. Really I just don’t care what HE thinks of me and want this date to end as soon as possible. On the ride home, I explain how I hate children and all animals. This is untrue, but he doesn’t mind that at all. I talk about my ex-boyfriends and how most men are jerks and crazy and he agrees with me.

For a moment, I thought I was getting Punk’d or something.

As we approach my house, he asks if he could see me again. As he was the dumbest person alive, I said sure, and proceeded to screen his calls until he stopped calling months later.

A Frog Down Memory Lane...But Not a Prince In Sight!

Monday, April 24, 2006

The Hair and the Frog


Diva, 28
Los Angeles, CA






As I left the stage of the Long Beach Jazz Festival
He caught my arm and asked me to dinner.
He was about to get the you don't know me-
Don't EVERgrab me- look,
when the reflection of the moon hit his green eyes.

He was an older gentleman,
tall enough for my 6'3 (in heels) swagger,
worked for a radio station and seemed like he knew how to act.
I accepted the invitation of him cooking for me
at his place. It was lovely.
Beautiful view of the marina, the water, the stars.
After a dinner of delicious King crab legs, jumbo
shrimp, baked potatoes, champagne with chambord.
pleasant conversation and giggles,
He says-


You don't mind if I get comfortable?
He comes back from the other room in
SPEEDOS and HOUSE SHOES...

but that's not the kicker-
he's SOOOO HAIRY... ALL OVER!
I mean REALLY more than normal-
BEASTLY looking hairy. Ewwww!


I told him I wanted to get comfortable too-
but I needed to run to my car for a sec.






ME: Don't go ANY where. I'll be right back.

Him: *blinking his green eyes* I'm right here baby...
grrrrrrr

Yes- he GROWLED at me.

As I drove away I wondered how long he would wait
for me to come back up?

Silly frog- I need a man NOT a BEAST!

Diva appears courtesy of a Sangin Diva

Flagrantly Foul!



"P"
Thirty Something
Orange County, Ca












The Story:

He was an international basketball player. Of course, I was doing backflips (not for any reason because he was 6'6" and I am six feet even.) He was dark, tall, handsome, and came at me strong.

He was in town for a few months in the off season, met me at the mall and asked me out. . .

He picked me up, and we went to El Torito's. He was insistent upon going to the bar area. This, my friends, is where WWIII erupted.

P: "Let's wait for a seat"
J: "No, let's go to the bar area, maybe we can order some wangs"
P" "I don't want to go to the bar, and I don't want any wings"
J: "You don't want no wangs? The wangs here are the bomb"
P: "I don't want any!"

Anyway, after a virtual six foot tug of war, I went in the bar area with him because at this point, I wanted the date over with.

It was all over when he said that he left his ATM card at home? I just looked at him.

Fool, You invited ME out. Who leaves their ATM card at home at this day and age, what, do you keep it separate from your wallet or something.

He was patting his pockets like that guy that used to be on In Living Color
"Funky Fingers Productions" skit.

"YOU KNOW I'M FRESH OUT?"

Hell to da naw. I wasn't planning on paying for ANYTHING.

Long story short, he kept asking me?

"You don't want no WANGS!?"

This fool ended up ordering some wings, and he had wings, chips and salsa while I sipped on a lemonade, I was dying.

So, he drops me off at home, and he says "Let me see your feet". I was like "Why".

So, I show him my sandaled foot. He proceeds to put MY foot in HISmouth, and start sucking on my toes.

First things first, ladies: Under normal circumstances, I would find this incredibly erotic, BUT

1. I DID not know him
2. I DID not know what kinds of nastiness was in his mouth
3. It was just weird. Plus I had been on my feet for a few hours, eww.

SO I yanked my foot out. He was terribly upset. And tried to put it back in. I thought the dude was weird, but I said, okay, let me give it one more shot. What the heck I'm a risk taker.

The next time, I drove separately, and we went to a restaurant, and he said "I forgot my ATM at home"

I was done.

Two years later I fell asleep with the TV on. Who shows up on the TV show "Change of Heart?" None other than this fool. I recognized his voice that that's how come I woke up.

The date that he went on with the girl.

WHY DID HE PULL THE SAME "I FORGOT MY ATM CARD AT HOME" AND SUCKING TOES THING WITH THE GIRL HE WENT ON A DATE WITH?

Enough said!

Flagrantly Foul Frog, with all the wrong moves!

"P" appears courtesy of Pattyopolis
she's also an official WCBH and a Glamazon

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Back in the Saddle


Frog Kisser-34
Hollywood, California
2005

Back in the Saddle

It was my first date since leaving the musician. I was still on shaky ground, six months of a relationship that simply wasn't worth a damn had taken it's toll. His ex must have been packing to move back in with him while I was packing to leave. I don't think he spent one night alone, while my nights had become long, empty, sleepless hallways, which frightened me. Although our would be love had long since shriveled and was dangling by a thin thread when I cut ties. On occasion I still missed him. As hard as I tried acclimating to singledom was harder than expected.

So I was at a bar b que, trying my hardest to be social, when in fact I felt like doing so much less. Like drinking too much on my balcony and chain smoking, or crying, or just being plain bitter that love had made a fool of me one more time. But they say that the best thing to cure a broken heart is another date, so I was trying to get back up on the horse.

One of the first people I met was a relatively cute guy. Coiffed facial hair, nice shoes, stylish but not tragically hip, I bummed a cigarette he kept a cold beer in my hand, and some how this was enough. It was a bar b que, so I spent most of my time trying to play that delicate balance of holding a beer, smoking and eating a hot dog or two. It takes allot of concentration. I was also trying to smile, not mention my recent breakup, avoid all questions about the musician which became a dance, of beer, hot dogs, cigarettes and constant motion.

He seemed to know how to keep up with my dance.

We exchanged cards, decided we'd have dinner together. He wasn't exactly my type, but I was trying to get back up on the horse again. He said he'd call, and he did. We played phone tag for weeks if not months. I was busy, he was busy. I was depressed and hermit like. Finally we agreed on a time and place. There was still something about him that I thought odd, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I shrugged it off as I sprayed perfume behind my ears, applied a little lip gloss and rushed out the door.

The atmosphere was lovely. A warm Los Angeles night, where you could almost see the stars through the thick layer of smog. We greeted each other, rather awkwardly. I went for the hug, he for the kiss on the cheek, I almost knocked his glasses off. We were soon seated. One mango martini and an appetizer later while we were doing regularities of getting each other, and he said (and I quote)


"And my Ex Boyfriend told me....."

My eyes watered as I told the waitress to make it a double. Clearly this guy and I had too much in common.

Yet another frog on the side of the road....like road kill!

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Frog Kissers Unite!

Coming soon, a place that you can share the stories of the uncomfortable pauses and broken silences often found in dating. Here is the place that you can share that story about the toad you met on the internet that marketed himself as a Prince. The guy whose credit cards were denied....all of them. The gay guy you thought was straight.....All happening right here!

If you have a tale of dating that you would like to share, here is the place. Please send your stories here, my_worstdate@yahoo.com


Sex in the City has nothing on us!